A Love Letter I Wrote Years Ago and Never Had the Lady Balls To Hit "Send"

Dear you,

I'm trying to find a way to say to you what I can't even find expressed in one single song, and believe me, I've looked. I've been looking for days. There's nothing, nothing in millions of songs that say what I need to say.  I could probably paste lyrics together and that would be funny, but my Tylenol pm are kicking in and I want to get this out to you before you wake up. Because I promised you I would and I need you to know my feelings for you aren't flaky, or surface, or wishy washy. They've never been. From the moment I met you , you've been the person I'm totally comfortable around and feel safe with.  Cos even when I was flat broke, you made me feel like a million bucks. It's true. I was made for you. I feel happiest doing absolutely nothing with you

I'd rather do nothing with you than something with a friend, because my mind wanders to you and how much better this would be if you were here.

And it's always done that, even when I lived 35 miles away. I just never pieced those feelings together, and when I did, it made me laugh.  I love your stories. I retell them like they're my own. Years ago I was complaining to Mel  about , I don't remember what stupid fight it was that time, and she started ragging on you (not personal, a girl thing) and I remember feeling irritated because damn it, you weren't bad at all and she didn't understand you, so how dare she. And she was just trying to cheer me up.

And today when I try to push you away and be all self sabotaging, it hurts. It hurts and I think that's my conscience or gut or heart or whatever you choose to call it saying. You're making the wrong choice. You're going against your instincts. Danger will Robinson! And that has never happened before either.

I'm alot like you, so please , hello, I'm here, I'm waiting. I think I'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me. (Weezer - el schorcho) 

I am like you in that I've always wanted to know what love issssss but I never met a person I wanted to shooowww me. So I usually  stay single. I could see where it was going pretty quick... Not where I wanted it to. I wanted to marry my best friend, the guy I made laugh, the  guy who knew what I wanted at the diner in case I was peeing when the waitress came, the guy who challenged me and helped me grow.  I saw my friends meeting theirs and would be happy but silently think, why not me? I ve been waiting... For a girl like you... To come into my life. And here you are. And it was just so seamless I didn't even notice it. Which is exactly how I dreamed it would be. Irony? :) 

Spoiler Alert: We didn't end up together. 

This One Time In Retail Hell...

August 9, 2012
Old Slavy
Atlanta, GA
Semi Diary-esque letter to a coworker who shall remained unnamed to protect the innocent

So.... Our district manager came in today. Loretta? Im sure youve met her.... How can I describe her? Oprah without the wig. Big, black, fat, shaved head with remaining hair dyed yellow-orange. Wearing our plaid shirt and dark blue capris. She screamed BUTCH DYKE. Haircuts don't lie. We were finishing up on shipment. You know normally  we get 3000 units. today we got 6000. So  I'm on kids and babies, which is 5000 of the 6000 boxes. Sweating, huffing, cursing. Hustling my ass. 

I didn't  understand why Pam put Pam and Vanessa on women's, Kylie and Courtney on men's and me on kids and babies. I had two full pallets. TWO. AFTER the belt was packed. Pam said she would help me, and walked away. I was steaming mad. It was so rude.

I'm putting school uniforms out on the floor. And we had over stock in the link girls polos. Pam had told me, run girls and kids and then do boys. So I'm walking back the 

pink girls polos when LORETTA arrives. She held herself with a regal air, but she didn't beguile me. I can tell she's memorized "phenomenal woman" by maya Angelou just to quote and sound deep. That she keeps a copy of O magazine on her coffee table that she never reads. 

But she's really ghetto. She also has one of those felt Afro centric posters like the inn keeper did in The Shining. You ask how I got this off of someone I saw five whole seconds? One, I have a kind of intuition, sixth sense, whatever. Kylue call me psychic. But I can't guess lotto numbers or natural disasters. I can just read a person very well. I dunno. I can look at a person and know things about em.

Anyway, she also revealed herself to me. She walked past and I said hello. I had forgotten my name tag and was wearing YOURS ... Thank god. LOL. rest assured i told her my name. I went to put the pink polos back in the shelves and I hear this horrifying bellowing 

NO NO NO! 

I came out from stock. Everyone was frozen in fear. , fatty Jen, was literally standing like a fish. Her mouth kept opening and shutting. I said, are you talking to me?

Not like Pacino. Like Paris Hilton if she woke up in a Walmart. That kind of tone.

She says WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THOSE CLOTHES?

Back stock?

NO YOU AIN'T. OUT ON THE FLOOR. 

I said, oooooookay. Then she sashayed out and everyone bust out laughing. It was a chorus of... Ooh, she told you! What a bitch! What a cunt! 

I found a boot lying on the floor, and I joked, not back stock! It goes up here! And pretended to shove it up my ass. 

Anyway, as Loretta went to leave, I bet Courtney a bag of chips I'd say something to her. She said, you're on.

So as she's leaving, she stops to say goodbye and THANK ME for all my "hard work." I said, 

"Thank you so much! God bless you! HAVE A BLESSED DAY." 

And she said, "Why.... Thank you?" like Paris Hilton in a wal mart.

Oh! 

Vicki was crying. Yes.... Butch "shit damn shit" Vicki. Opening boxes next to me with tears rolling down. 

I knew it was about her Shaun, who is exactly like my Shaun. Ew, my ex Shaun. 

So I hugged her. Then I backed away and let her cry. Courtney came over and says "what's wrong?" and I said, leave her alone. Just go. Then I bought her a coffee. She was still crying.... So I said, "I can't believe Loretta told me off like that." and Vicki made fun of me till she started laughing. It was good.