Old Slavy
Atlanta, GA
Semi Diary-esque letter to a coworker who shall remained unnamed to protect the innocent
So.... Our district manager came in today. Loretta? Im sure youve met her.... How can I describe her? Oprah without the wig. Big, black, fat, shaved head with remaining hair dyed yellow-orange. Wearing our plaid shirt and dark blue capris. She screamed BUTCH DYKE. Haircuts don't lie. We were finishing up on shipment. You know normally we get 3000 units. today we got 6000. So I'm on kids and babies, which is 5000 of the 6000 boxes. Sweating, huffing, cursing. Hustling my ass.
I didn't understand why Pam put Pam and Vanessa on women's, Kylie and Courtney on men's and me on kids and babies. I had two full pallets. TWO. AFTER the belt was packed. Pam said she would help me, and walked away. I was steaming mad. It was so rude.
I'm putting school uniforms out on the floor. And we had over stock in the link girls polos. Pam had told me, run girls and kids and then do boys. So I'm walking back the
pink girls polos when LORETTA arrives. She held herself with a regal air, but she didn't beguile me. I can tell she's memorized "phenomenal woman" by maya Angelou just to quote and sound deep. That she keeps a copy of O magazine on her coffee table that she never reads.
But she's really ghetto. She also has one of those felt Afro centric posters like the inn keeper did in The Shining. You ask how I got this off of someone I saw five whole seconds? One, I have a kind of intuition, sixth sense, whatever. Kylue call me psychic. But I can't guess lotto numbers or natural disasters. I can just read a person very well. I dunno. I can look at a person and know things about em.
Anyway, she also revealed herself to me. She walked past and I said hello. I had forgotten my name tag and was wearing YOURS ... Thank god. LOL. rest assured i told her my name. I went to put the pink polos back in the shelves and I hear this horrifying bellowing
NO NO NO!
I came out from stock. Everyone was frozen in fear. , fatty Jen, was literally standing like a fish. Her mouth kept opening and shutting. I said, are you talking to me?
Not like Pacino. Like Paris Hilton if she woke up in a Walmart. That kind of tone.
She says WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THOSE CLOTHES?
Back stock?
NO YOU AIN'T. OUT ON THE FLOOR.
I said, oooooookay. Then she sashayed out and everyone bust out laughing. It was a chorus of... Ooh, she told you! What a bitch! What a cunt!
I found a boot lying on the floor, and I joked, not back stock! It goes up here! And pretended to shove it up my ass.
Anyway, as Loretta went to leave, I bet Courtney a bag of chips I'd say something to her. She said, you're on.
So as she's leaving, she stops to say goodbye and THANK ME for all my "hard work." I said,
"Thank you so much! God bless you! HAVE A BLESSED DAY."
And she said, "Why.... Thank you?" like Paris Hilton in a wal mart.
Oh!
Vicki was crying. Yes.... Butch "shit damn shit" Vicki. Opening boxes next to me with tears rolling down.
I knew it was about her Shaun, who is exactly like my Shaun. Ew, my ex Shaun.
So I hugged her. Then I backed away and let her cry. Courtney came over and says "what's wrong?" and I said, leave her alone. Just go. Then I bought her a coffee. She was still crying.... So I said, "I can't believe Loretta told me off like that." and Vicki made fun of me till she started laughing. It was good.
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